About a month ago, I divulged some pretty unsettling health information to my Blind Motherhood followers. In the span of one overall crappy week, my dermatologist diagnosed me with alopecia (I’m now bald) and my cardiologist informed me my heart was hardening (I’m 36 years old with a 50-year-old heart). In the weeks since getting this news, I’ve attempted to get my act together. I bought two really beautiful wigs that I’ve gotten used to wearing and I’ve “tried” to start an exercise regime. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I’ve got a “gelato” explaining to do.
You see, I’ve encountered a few hiccups in my weight loss journey. Some of these dietary challenges were totally beyond my control, while others I will reluctantly take responsibility for. If you thought this post was going to be some inspirational announcement of how this blind mother of two lost 5 pounds this month, I’m sorry to report I’ve actually gained 7! Here are the 7 reasons for my epic weight loss fail – one for every pound I’ve gained:
1. Gelato: For years I’ve heard about gelato, but I never thought to try it. I have a pretty sensitive stomach when it comes to dairy, so I typically shy away from frozen treats of any kind. When I placed my shop from home order two weeks ago, I ordered a pint of vanilla caramel ice-cream for my daughters. Occasionally, when I order something that’s out of stock the store will send me a substitution and that’s how that damned Bryer’s Gelato Indulgences ended up in my house. Curse you ShopRite from Home!
When I scooped out a little for my kids one afternoon, I decided to try a spoonful myself. Can I just tell you it was the best flipping frozen ice cream/gelato I’ve ever had. Even visually impaired, I was able to find those runny caramel bits and before I knew it; the container was gone. Yup, straight to my ass! My doctor won’t be happy, but I have to say; it was worth it.
Vegan Shakes Are No Gelato
2. Nutra Ninja & Shakes of Sadness: After the gelato episode, I felt pretty guilty. But the experience reminded me I need to force myself to try new things. I had never tried gelato, and now that I had; I loved it. I was pretty convinced if I tried one of those protein shakes you make in a Nutra Ninja, I would like it too, right? WRONG. SO, SO, SO, WRONG!
I plunked down my hard earned money and bought myself a blue Nutra Ninja on QVC. It was my Mother’s Day gift to me from me. Then I snapped up some samples of various brands of shakes online. In the name of all that is holy, please tell me who drinks this crap and likes it? Even the chocolate flavored ones tasted like nothing but a glass of vegan sadness. YUCK! I now use my Nutra Ninja to chop garlic and make pesto to pour over the pasta that I also should not be eating. Strike two. Pound Two.
3. Fitness Shamers: I guess I have nobody to blame for this next excuse but myself. When you make the decision to put your life story out on a blog or social media, you encounter a lot of very “colorful” individuals who make a valiant attempt at being helpful. In the past month, I have gotten at least three propositions from online trainers who have offered to sell me a program to help me lose weight. Sounds innocent enough, right? Wait, the plot thickens.
These same, well meaning, weight loss consultants share pictures of themselves at their heaviest and then a follow up pictures of themselves (in the same clothing) one month after the program. They assume I will find this both motivational and inspirational.
Hello, I’m Blind!
Here’s the problem. I CAN’T SEE THE PHOTOS! Hello, I am BLIND! I see shapes, figures and outlines with my one good eye. That’s it, people. I hate to tell you, but you all look like big black blobs to me in these pictures and I really can’t tell how heavy or thin you are.
In addition, these same trainers also like to send me overly detailed emails about what they “see” as wrong with me. For example, one helpful expert, thought it necessary to inform me that I have at least “three” chins in every photograph with my children. She wanted to recommend exercises to eliminate my facial fat.
Excuse me, while I sit here in resting bitch face (scratching my three chins) and ponder the reason why any woman could be so heartless towards another female who’s trying to lose weight. I am totally baffled by this. Really?
Listen up lady, your words of supposed inspiration did nothing but make me want to eat more gelato and buy some other small kitchen appliance I did not need. No offense, Nutra Ninja.
4. I’m Tired: Yeah, I said it. I have two toddlers, a job, a blog and Mr. “Mostly Wonderful” to take care of. I’m tired. The kind of tired that means I DVR shows that come on at 7:00pm because I might nod off in the middle of them. People have said to me, “Holly, do five minutes of exercise 6 times a day. That’s thirty minutes.”
What these math wizards neglect to consider in this less than desirable equation is… “I’m TIRED.”
When I have five minutes to myself during the day I have other things to accomplish that don’t include exercise – like taking out the garbage, sorting laundry without a baby underfoot, or ordering groceries (AND GELATO). Seriously, I’m not overreacting, I truly never stop.
5. Soda: When I found out I was pregnant with my daughters, I immediately cut out all soda and sugary drinks. I drank strictly water, that was it. Even after I gave birth, I skipped the soda for months, always falling back into it at some point. I’ve tried at least a half dozen times to stop drinking soda this month and I just can’t seem to do it. I honestly think the caffeine helps sustain me throughout the day and keeps me awake. I’ve tried adding fruit to my water for flavor, but I’m just not enjoying it. I absolutely need to stop drinking this poison.
6. Crappy Weather: The weather on the East coast has totally sucked since the beginning of May. Rain, rain and more rain. Then it was frigid cold. Now it’s blazing hot. Who wants to go anywhere when mother nature is having a meltdown? And when I do get the urge to venture outdoors, it seems like one of my kids is having a tantrum or in need of a nap. (See #4 and bring me a Diet Coke.)
7. Stress: This goes back to the “I’m Tired” excuse. Although I try to stay pretty positive throughout my life, I’d be lying if I said I was never stressed. The balancing act that I go through as wife, mother, social worker and blogger is pretty intense. Add in my current health problems and most days I feel fairly overwhelmed. Some days I take it hour by hour. Some days it’s minute by minute. Stress does not make for a good exercise motivator.
So here it is, Memorial Day Weekend, and my body is far from beach ready. My stretch marks have gotten stretchy-er and my yoga pants are slightly snug. The three chins I have compliment my back fat nicely and yes; I am still tired.
I guess I could continue to beat myself up about it, like so many people who need to lose weight, but I’d rather laugh at about it for now.
As Scarlett O’Hara once said, “tomorrow is another day” and I will try to use June 1st as my starting point to hopefully get back on track. I know I need to do it for my health and for my family. That in itself should be enough motivation. Until then, I think I have some gelato left in my freezer. Hmmm, I wonder if I can make a gelato shake in my Nutra Ninja?